Cold Air

2023-10-14

The air outside is getting colder. The nights, too, are getting colder as well. I don't think I'm liking that as much as I thought I would. The other night, I stepped outside to get something from the porch, and was immediately assailed by a thick fog of solitude. The whole world in the brief moments that I was out felt so unbearably lonely. The air was dry and unmoving, there was nobody in sight either. It was as though I was experiencing a purgatory, a limbo, a reminder of the indefinite emptiness that all shall return to one day.

I don't like thinking about things like this. It hurts. It's melodramatic. But all the same, It's something that will never go away. I've thought about using hallucinogens just so I can experience an ego death, and then maybe I could bear the thought of my own mortality just a little more. I don't want to end up frying myself, though, so I've strayed away from it...

So the only thing I can do, really, is try to live the best I can until then! That's what I keep telling myself. But let's be real. I don't have many friends. On that front, I'm constantly held back by a lack of ambition, feelings that petrify me whenever I try to get close. Lately, it's gotten to the point where I hesitate to contribute in class discussions, or make small talk with the people next to me. It feels like I am prisoner to my own self. A thin film covers all perception, and I am locked away from everyone else.

They wouldn't want to talk to me. I would just make them uncomfortable. I'm too weird to talk to. It's better not to be a bother.

In the end, I talk to nobody, and nobody talks to me. Even people I know, I rarely talk to them. But with them, it's different than seeing myself as just incompatible socially. I just have no drive. I do want to hang out with people, don't get me wrong. It just doesn't feel like I have the means or opportunity to. Even though all it would take is shooting a quick message.

I guess I'm just pathetic. But, I'm trying not to be, although it doesn't seem like it from this post.